I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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