Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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