i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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