he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
There are leaves in my underwear?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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