Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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