wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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