Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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