Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
