the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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