you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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