Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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