i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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