I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I'm passing your future prison.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
