I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
