my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize