He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
