I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
