I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
