Dude my mom stole all your condoms
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
