why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
