The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
