If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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