I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
