just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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