my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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