I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
