im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
