i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
