talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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