I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
