hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
