Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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