guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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