FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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