After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
