Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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