I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
