There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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