Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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