my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I just blew my weed a kiss
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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