I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize