Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
