There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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