OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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