my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
