you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
