he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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