i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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