you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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