Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
