i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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