Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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