I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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