Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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