Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize
