Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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