WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
