so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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