yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
