How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
