At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
