thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
