If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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