nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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