chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
